Motherhood is not a sacrifice, but a privilege — one that many of us choose selfishly. At its most atavistic, procreating ensures that our genes survive into the next generation. You could call this selfishness as biological imperative. On a personal level, when we bring into the world a being that is of us, someone we will protect and love and for whom we will do everything we can to help thrive and flourish, it begets the question, How is this selfless? Selflessness implies that we have no skin in the game. In motherhood, we’re all in.Privilege? I have no idea why she says this. It's not as if we have to apply to become parents. Everyone gets to become parents, if they're capable. But "not a sacrifice" makes more sense to me and "selfish" makes some sense, but it's the wrong word. I think what she was really after, as a contrast with "selfless," is "self-interested." When we have a child "we bring into the world a being that is of us." Yes. Because my child is part of my extended identity, so to speak, when my child is better off, I'm better off. When my child is worse off, I'm worse off. It's because we've enlarged ourself, thereby including our child as part of our extended identity, that caring for my child is self-interested. But that doesn't mean it's "selfish." Selfish people don't enlarge themselves.
Since the self-interestedness of parenthood is really built in, and not just a feature of bad parents, she's off track when she writes that motherhood is a privilege (again, why a privilege?!) "that many of us choose selfishly." But she gets back on track at the end of the op-ed.
If we start referring to motherhood as the beautiful, messy privilege that it is, and to tending to our children as the most loving yet selfish thing we do, perhaps we can change the biased language my mother used. Only when we stop talking about motherhood as sacrifice can we start talking about mothers the way that we deserve.Again, there's the privilege talk, which I find bewildering. But now the selfishness (no, self-interestedness!) is portrayed as built in. It's not the bad mother who's selfish (no, self-interested), it's motherhood itself. Much better!